As I enter into 2026, I reflect on where I have been and who I am today. This weekend was about reflecting and stillness. I sometimes think about something I read in the 1996. I do not remember the book or the author but the question asked was, “Who are you?” When we answer this question, some may answer, “I am a teacher.” Someone else would say, “I am a businessman.” Others may say, “I am a Christian,” “I am Buddhist,” “I am an Atheist,” “I am a Vegetarian.” What we do is not who we are as much as what we eat does not make up who we are. We are all Humans here on this earth, having a human experience. I came out in 2015 as a gay man. It was not easy and for years trying to figure out who I was as a gay man and this new identity. The fact, I then defined myself as a gay man became my identity. Being a gay man dictated everything I did in my life and consumed me. All my life, I lived as a straight man, knowing in my heart I was a gay man. It was living torture, living a life and a lie. As a gay man I wanted everyone to know my new “truth.”
Often, when I reflect, I pull tarot cards as my new spiritual practice. Today I sat down and pulled an Affirmation card, “I am powerful, I know my power. I feel it. I use my power from a place of love and wisdom.” The Tarot cards I pulled were Justice, The Star, Six of Swords. This spread shows a progression. Justice, she speaks of Truth coming into alignment. The Star after the Justice says Once Truth is acknowledged, healing begins. The 6 of Swords is the outcome card which says you are moving away from turbulence to calm. The Story is, face the truth, Let it heal you, now move on lighter, wiser and calmer.
This spread was the beginning of my journey not in abstract terms but in my Lived reality. Was my life calm as soon as I decided to live authentically? Of course not, but I was moving towards calmer waters. The justice to me means, I was telling my truth after years of silence, this was the end of my self betrayal. I know longer was living a lie. When I came out though I lost everything including my family and my children. By coming out I refused to live a lie. The Loss of my children caused me great grief that came with choosing truth in an unprepared world.
The Star is the card of coming home to myself. After trauma, after shame, after collapse, the star appears when the Soul says, “I’m still here.” My queerness was not something I became it was something I remembered. My own inner light. My joy, sensuality, creativity and truth is returning. This is a slow, tender healing, not loud and proud but deep Pride. We are allowed to grieve what was lost and celebrate what is being reclaimed.
The Six of Swords speaks directly to my transition. I didn’t leave because it was easy, I left because staying would have killed my spirit. I moved from inner warfare to inner quiet. I did carry grief and my old story for a long time but today it no longer defines me. I am being guided and no longer running. It is no longer about being a gay man; it is about being whole.
I ended up pulling a clarifying card and it was The lovers. The lovers is not about a relationship with someone else, its about choosing alignment with my soul over survival. This card is about making a Choice that changed the trajectory of my life. The love of my life is myself. The love of my life was myself fully integrated. I stopped letting society, fear, religion, family roles, or obligation define me. I chose inner authority over external approval. I didn’t leave cause I didn’t love my family, I left because I started loving myself truthfully.
I started to walk away a noticed another card that fell from the deck like it was the last chapter in the story. The card was the 6 of wands. This card answers one question, “What happens when I keep walking this path of truth?” The Answer: I rise. Not in ego but in self-respect. Power chosen from fear creates harm but Power chosen in Truth creates freedom. I did not come out as a gay man, I came out as a whole one. This is queer pride after survival. This is not the loud, performative pride of approval-seeking. This is earned pride after grief, loss, and courage. I stood in my truth when it cost me everything. I didn’t become bitter but chose love and wisdom. I am allowed to feel proud of myself. I did not do this for recognition and hope. I did that my story will inspire and help others see their strength. That by living my life authentically will give others permission to be honest with themselves. I am now allowing myself to be proud – without apology. I didn’t win by defeating anyone. I won by becoming myself, and that is real power.